Touched By Angels

I go through life everyday waiting for something big to happen.  Waiting for a miracle, a big event, something that will make my life finally mean something, but while I was looking for all that, I've come to realise that I never did have to look very far after all.  Maybe life isn't full of big miracles and significant moments that change everything.  Maybe the miracle of life lies in the small miracles that you see everyday.

You might wait and want to fall in love.  For that big bang that blows you away and makes you fly, but that kind of love is such that the higher you fly, the harder you crash in the end.  I've come to think that the love I was looking for was always the wrong kind of love.  An explosion instead of a slow burning flame that grows with time, and so, I'm not looking or waiting anymore.  Whatever is coming will have to wait for me now because I'm simply not ready and I'm not going to rush opening my emotions and thoughts to a guy.  I guess it's a matter of perception, but I find opening up physically is much less of a threat than opening up emotionally or mentally, but the physical is not an end in itself.  Instead, it's just part of a journey and I don't want to reach a state where I can settle for just the physical.

Life is full of little miracles and little blessings.  Yesterday, I was online with Pek Yen and now she and a few of my school friends are planning to visit my mother.  This proves to me that life is full of miracles and blessings, and that love is more than what's publicized in the media.  Nobody talks about the love of friends, and here, I have proof that it's the strongest, most enduring love.  I've known all these girls for more than 10 years, and we've parted lived apart for some time now.  Turkey, the UK, Australia, all over... and yet, in all my hard times, they have rallied around me, and just been there, no questions asked.  I would do the same for them any day of the week. 

Raya here would have been a lonely time, but as always, there was a miracle.  Young Faiz had his sister over for a visit and the last night of Ramadhan was spent with them and M.  Raya day itself was celebrated in Malaysia Hall, at the beach and a dinner at my place... just Maggi mee, but it was the company that mattered.  It just proves that every time God closes a door, he opens a window. 

So yes, while I'm not completely over the last guy yet, life hasn't been so bad.  The thing is, I've learned that I don't need a man to have a full life.  Malay society would say that a woman is incomplete unless she is a part of a man, and so a lot of women are defined by their men.  What I've learned is that I have a more complete life without a man.  Granted, there are some things that you can only get in a committed relationship, but there are other things in life that can make you happy.  A morning walk with Jenna, an online chat with Pek Yen, news of friends getting engaged/married/pregnant... these things just lift your spirits and make you smile.

And it's not just friends who fate has brought into my life.  I am lucky to be born into a family where my cousins are also my friends.  We don't just spend time together because we're expected to, but because we truly want to.  I can't believe how much these people love me sometimes, and I just hope that I deserve it.  My mom, aunts and uncles who have accepted me in my many facets of life and mood swings.  I swear, sometimes I must really test their patience!

No matter how much I've cried and how much I've tried, I realise now that I have been blessed.  I am luckier than most and I have been touched by angels, every time I talk to you, my friends.  Friends from school, friends from undergrad, friends from work, and the friends I've made here... You have all touched me in a certain way and I'm thankful to be a part of your lives. 

Kavi, Jo, Pek Yen, Shang, Natasha, Karen, Dee, Sugan, Purnisha, Juliana... and all you others who I might not be able to mention.  It's been a great blessing to have you all in my life and thanks for just being there for me every single time I've needed you.   Thanks also for tolerating and accepting me in my multiple personalities... I know it drives you guys crazy sometimes!!!! I am so lucky I can't believe it sometimes!!!!!

Milla, Zira, Zira, Aina, Eyda... all of you, thanks a bunch for always being there, and being absolutely logical it ain't funny! Hope you guys had a great Raya celebration, especially the newly weds who were celebrating their first Raya with husbands.

Aussie buds, Jenna, Michelle, Corey, Sarah, Nina, Nadine, Andrea, Melvin, Angelo + Cathrine, Rodolfo, Faiz... all of you guys.  We're away from family, but it seems that we've created a little family here.  I was blessed to find you all in this place and I'm gonna love you all for a long time to come even when we're not together anymore.

Finally, my love, my heart, my cousins... Sarah, Jian, Tin, Beel, Faye, Fawwaz, Farah, Faiq, Rozy, Mazrul, Rizal, Kak Na, Wayne, Ikki, Marissa... well, all of you really.  Listing everyone down would take a whole phone book! I'm so bloody lucky and blessed to be born into this family and damn, I wouldn't trade any of the craziness off for anything in the world.  You guys really are the best!!!! Some people hate how proud I am of my family, but I have no reason not to be. 

Special person I have to mention, my mother! For her courage, her strength and being level headed in all matters.  I know some Malay men are gonna make nasty comments because my mother is a single parent, but to me, that is why I am all the more proud of her.  It's not easy bringing up a child alone, putting her through school, undergrad, post-grad and all the while having to deal with 6 different personalities coming out of one person.  It's not easy watching your daughter cry every time a man has broken her heart and not having a partner to discuss it with.  It's not easy facing the fact that there are men out there who will take your daughter for a ride just because she has not the "protection" that a father or brother figure can provide, but my mom did it all and I love her for it!  Just pray someday, I'll have that kind of strength. 

Thanks to all the angels who have touched my life. I never had to look for miracles because you are my miracles, and I can live in darkness because I know that your light will always find me.  When I'm alone, I'm never lonely because you have always been with me.  Now I see.  Now I know... and I hope that I remember this every day of my life!

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God Bless.